hands [abbott - avanine]
Janine is sixteen when Tariq’s hand settles atop of hers. They are in the cafeteria, and their friends are there. It’s an unusual move for both of them. It’s not completely uncomfortable, she finds. Her hands grow used to Tariq’s hands.
She’s almost twenty when Sahar’s hand holds hers as they walk to class together. Sahar holds her hand like it’s nothing unusual. And it makes Janine’s heart beat faster in her chest. But she’s still with Tariq, and she doesn’t want to break up with him or cheat on him. A few weeks later Tariq says, at a party, that kissing Sahar isn’t cheating, it’s just hot. But when Sahar pulls Janine closer to her, when their lips meet, it does feel like cheating. After that Sahar hands touch hers and Janine feels as if it’s burning her. Her automatic reaction is to take her hand away. Holding hands stops after that. Sahar seems to think it’s Tariq’s fault; that Tariq is jealous and complaining about it. Janine never corrects her. Janine doesn’t dare think about what it all means to her. What it means about her.
At twenty-five, Janine is having a specially hard day at work. Jacob sits by her side, in the parking lot. They don’t say anything, but he holds her hand between his, and squeezes. She knows he’s scared too, that he’s also having a hard day at work. They all are. But they’ll calm down and they’ll work it out. Because that’s what they do. But first Janine lays her head on his shoulder. They have five minutes before going back to make things right.
At twenty-five, she’s having dinner with Barbara Howard. She’s telling about the teacher-parent meet and how it went right, and how she feels like she’s finally getting the hang of it when her mother angrily calls her. She apologizes and explains to Barbara, her voice barely gets out. She feels smaller than she is. Barbara’s hand holds her with certainty, squeezing it so Janine will look at her. “You don’t have to answer that right now. Silence it. Let’s go back to our conversation.” And that’s that. And Janine has a good night afterall.
At twenty-five she breaks up with Tariq. It’s a new school year, and Janine is decided to have a good year. She’s at Melissa’s kitchen, learning how to cook. The redhead’s hand sits atop of hers, teaching. If Melissa notices how her touch makes Janine blush, she doesn’t comment on it. But Melissa’s hands seem to find their way to Janine during the cooking classes. Nothing provocative; it’s a way of saying all the words. Neither of them think much about it. And Janine can’t really imagine Melissa would have any interest in her anyway.
Janine is twenty-six and maybe her year isn’t going as well as she hoped. But it’s going well enough. And now she’s dancing with Gregory, and his hand touches hers. And Janine maybe thought it should feel different. It should fit their hands. It should feel like it’s right, right? But it doesn’t.
And the truth she doesn’t want to admit is that it doesn’t feel like Ava’s. It’s after the first Step presentation, and they’re sitting side by side. Ava’s hand settles by Janine’s hands side, barely touching it. It’s warm, and it makes Janine blush. They’re at Ava’s office and Janine is trying to help Ava to get ready for the presentation to the Superintendent. Ava holds her hand softly, so lightly it’s barely holding it at all and it makes Janine’s heart beat fast and she wonders if maybe she’s going insane. It’s the day of the presentation and Janine’s hand holds Ava’s in a firm, confident grip, not an uncomfortable one. “We’re going to get through this”. It’s Halloween, and Janine is surprised, looking at herself in the mirror, wearing the Marilyn costume Ava found for her. It’s Janine’s hands that find Ava’s. A silent ‘thank you’ and Janine’s eyes avoid looking at Ava, and she’s glad the blush in her cheeks is barely noticeable.
It’s summer and Ava would never admit that she’s hanging out with Janine. But that’s where she is, or well, that’s where Janine is. At her apartment. Apparently, Janine had told Gregory she didn’t want to be with him, and now she and Erika actually went out because it was summer (well, Erika went out, Janine went out… sometimes) and they had ended up in a club where Ava was. And one thing led to another. And now Ava’s hands are holding Janine’s hands. Ava pulls Janine closer, their bodies touching softly. Ava’s hand leads Janine’s to grip her waist and then moves to hold Janine’s chin. Janine’s eyes are pleading almost, and Ava finally moves to close the gap between them. Lips touch and their fingers intertwine. Janine dares to think that she might want to hold those hands for the rest of her life.